I'm a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice; have been known to remodel airports on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of air-conditioning; translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees; write award-winning operas; manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I have tread water for three days in a row.
I thrill women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can ride bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Meals in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco; a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru (yeah, yeah, we all saw that movie).
Using only a stick and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.
I play bad-ass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I'm the subject of numerous documentaries. When bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I'm an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless movie critic. Designers worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I'm a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail daily.
I once toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. Teachers love me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.
I balance; dodge; leap high buildings in a single bound, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, I often participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams.I've won bullfights in San Juan; cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I've played Hamlet and, I ve spoken with Elvis...